Does Everyone Think I Suck?

How to handle feedback when you don’t agree with it.

Getting feedback that you fundamentally don’t agree with can be really tough to navigate. Maybe it left you wondering if you have a totally different view of yourself than others do. Maybe it made you wonder whether or not you could trust the POV of the person who gave you the feedback. Maybe it made you concerned that everyone was saying these things about you behind your back and you just didn’t know. Or maybe you completely shrugged it off. 

Feedback can be shared for many reasons, from tangible input such as design notes, to more intangible observations like how well you manage your time. Regardless of what the feedback is or how you feel about it, whether the other person is “right” or “wrong” is almost beside the point. What’s more important to remember and digest is that this feedback is coming to you for a reason and now you have to decide (1) how you’re going to handle it and (2) what you’re going to do with it. 

How to handle it:

One of the hardest aspects of receiving feedback is remembering to take a step back from it rather than immediately trying to justify your behavior (or push the blame to someone else). It can also be tempting to listen to the person when they’re in front of you and then, as soon as they’re gone, push that feedback to a place where you never think about it again. But completely disregarding feedback, blowing someone off, or trivializing someone’s POV is never the answer. 

What you’re going to do with it:

That said, one of the commonly misconceived things about feedback is that when receiving feedback, the point is not that you have to make changes. The point is that you have to decide if the feedback aligns with your goals and if it’s going to make you a better employee in the role that you do. You also have to take responsibility for whatever you decide and for how you react. 

Because any feedback can be jarring when we’re not expecting it, we’ve included some steps that may help you keep a calm head and allow you to make good decisions –– regardless of how you feel about the information you’re receiving: 

Acknowledge & Reflect

• Let the person know you’ve heard the feedback and that you’ve really listened to it; repeat back what they’ve said to you to make sure you’re understanding what they’re sharing with you and that you have the information correct. 

Do your due diligence

• If the feedback is unclear in any way, ask clarifying questions.

• If the feedback is vague or opinion based, ask if the person has clarifying examples or data they can share to help you understand. 

• If there are not clarifying examples or data, let them know that the feedback is still unclear and that having more information would be helpful. But don’t be deliberately obstructive - if the examples are clear, move on whether you agree or not.

• If you’re unclear why you’re getting the feedback or about how/why the behavior is out of line with the company’s goals or policies, ASK. Don’t make assumptions.

• If you’re open to it, ask other people for their POV, especially trusted colleagues who will be upfront with you. Ask your manager if they can help you understand the feedback or find out more about where the feedback is coming from. 

Understand WHY this feedback is coming to you

• Make sure you understand the nature and goals of the person sharing feedback with you: Do they just want to let you know that they had this information to share but they have no further expectations than you acknowledging it? Are they expecting some sort of behavioral change? Do they believe this is a  performance or behavioral issue that needs to be documented verbally or in writing?

• Try to understand where the feedback could be coming from. Challenge yourself to look at the situation from another person’s perspective and reflect on what might have prompted their assessment. Even if you don’t fully agree, remember that this feedback was shared for a reason, often because someone has been affected by your actions or decisions.

Consider changes

• Talk together about what the other person is hoping to gain by sharing their feedback. They may have expectations already. If this person is your manager, hearing those expectations can be helpful to hear rather than guessing. Maybe their expectations aren’t feasible or reasonable, but it gives a jumping off point for a discussion.

• Consider if there are compromises or changes that can be made that still align with your goals. If there are small things you can do that aren’t disruptive but may make an outsized impact for the other person, consider them.

• Commit to a course of action or inaction and be honest about it.

Be Willing to accept consequences

• Whatever you decide, it’s important to accept the consequences of your decisions. If in the end, you decide that feedback you receive is unfounded and you decide not to act because it is not in the best interest of your goals, that’s fair. But it may have consequences. The other person may be unhappy; maybe they’ll quit or sow discord. If your manager gave you feedback and you didn’t respond to it, maybe you’ll get a poor performance review. If you receive feedback and don’t act on it, you can’t be surprised if that feedback comes back to rear its head on you later, so make sure you do your due diligence.

Gauge Your Reaction and Adjust Accordingly

If you don’t agree with feedback, that’s fair. Someone may have a completely different POV from you and, again, you have to make the decision about whether or not you are going to change based on what your work goals are. And then, you have to accept the consequences for your decisions. But remember: receiving specific feedback one time is an instance. Two times about the same thing is a pattern.

Throughout a feedback session, you should continuously assess your internal state. Ask yourself: How is the feedback making you feel? If you’re feeling reactive, that’s okay. Feedback can have that effect. If you are having a strong reaction (and you have the ability), let the person know that you appreciate the feedback, and that you’d like to sit with the information for a moment to think it through and then set time to follow up at a specific time. 

It is always better to take time and walk away for a moment and reflect than it is to react in a way that you did not intend - you can’t take a reaction back. However, if you do not follow up with someone who is trying to share feedback, it’s a sure fire way to lose their respect and trust. Set the follow up time before you end the meeting, set it for no more than 1-2 days later, and do not cancel or move this meeting!

If your workplace struggles with giving and receiving feedback, read our blog creating a positive feedback culture.